I am fed up. Fed up of wishing my life away, because that is all you do when you are TTC. You get your AF (period), you wish it away and want to zoom along to ovulation, ovulation happens and you are wishing the two week wait to fly past, you get a BFN (or many) and so you wish your AF would hurry up and arrive. That is exactly what I am doing now, wishing that AF would arrive. I got a BFN two days ago, I am now on cycle day thirty-four and I am still waiting, waiting, waiting. I don't even feel like it will arrive any time soon, could be wrong though, stranger things have happened.
There are two other things bothering me today. The first is a frustration at grief being a competition, why is that? I mean I am as guilty as the next person of feeling sad and spreading my woe is me parade, but I would never dismiss someones elses pain or try to out do them on the grief/pain o'meter. Who wants to feel pain? Who wants their pain to be greater than another? Can we not simply understand that my own pain, is MY greatest pain and therefore I have nothing to compare it to, and the same goes for everyone else? One day we might experiece a greater pain and realise that actually the pain we carry at the moment wasn't as bad as it once felt, but until that day we should be allowed to wallow, allowed to grieve and carry what ever pain we have but not belittle others.
The main thing bothering me and the reason I came to write though is my frustrations at not knowing what I want to do with my life, I guess the fact that my youngest earth baby is off to school full-time come September is making me analyse where my life is at and where I want it to be.
Where it is at? I have always been a full-time Mummy from eighteen, I adore my babies and I love being a stay at home Mum, I am so glad I had this time with them.
Where I want it to be? This is where my frustrations begin, because I just don't know. How silly is that? Twenty-six, almost twenty-seven *cough* and I have not figured out something that we are suppose to know when leaving school, which for me was over ten years ago. Not a clue. I drifted toward midwifery at one point, but I think that is mainly because it is what I feel I should be doing, as I want to make a difference to women who are going through and have gone through similar things to what I have with Honey and Riley Rae, as well as my miscarriages. So then it seemed counselling was the obvious option, like bereavement midwifery without all the yuck but again is it something that I am passionate enough to work hard for over the next how ever many years, and then spend forty years doing it? If there is one single thing Honey and Riley Rae have taught me, it is that life is too short to do something that you don't love, that you are not passionate about. I need to find something I am that passionate about, that I love. The only immediate thing, aside from family, that springs to mind that I love is writing. But how? What? And am I good enough? Lots of things to ponder I guess, but not much time to do it in.
Reading this blog back, I have learnt two things. One - I seem to like writing things in three's; Me, me, me. Moan, moan, moan. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And two - maybe AF is closer than I thought, the moaning side of the hormones certainly seems to be there.
I only just caught up on your post, and now realise it was written before my eldests birthday. Oooops. I have to admit my own blog has been somewhat abandoned!
ReplyDeleteFirstly I wanted to address the writing thing. I believe writing is a sincere expression, it gets things out there in ways that speech can't. You are unbridled, free, you can just spill your heart and soul and so what if some people don't like it. Some will love it. Thats the beauty of writing. So I think you should maybe start diarising your journey, because I know that there are women out there coping with loss on all sorts of levels that could connect with your words. And there are all kinds of women who are TTC who would connect to those same emotions. I say go for it.
With regard to your feelings about not knowing what to do with your life. I am sort of in the same boat. I would love to do photography and poetry combined. Like little packages of love for people for very cheap prices but alas I don't think I am good enough. I have masses of friends who take wonderful photos and mine pale in comparison. I would just adore to do something I love everyday. I also thought about midwifery but I have worked extensively in the care profession and although its not the same, I just know I would end up feeling disillusioned. I have had some wonderful midwvies but there are also many who just 'do the job', as in clock in and then thats that, they dont really commit any emotion or compassion. When I was a carer what I hated was the fact that I didnt like how things were run, it made me depressed to see elderly people treated more or less like cattle and treated with little to no respect.
And with the guilt thing, and people trying to outdo one another. I have encountered this so often in life, and it is why I often shy away from facebook because everything seems a competition and I dislike conmpetetion. At school I was never competetive and even now I am uncomfortable with it. Probably due to my dad being the most confrontational competetive person ever. I like a saying hun, time is relative only to the observer. It applies to physics but I like to apply it in a different way. All feelings are subjective. We cannot accurately feel the joy, pain, sadness, ecstacy that another human being experiences. We all have different chemical levels in our brain and react differently to stimulus. Not only that, but we all have very different coping mechanisms, different personalities to go along with it. As much as we try our best to be in someone elses shoes, those shoes wont fit. Does that make sense?