I am fed up. Fed up of wishing my life away, because that is all you do when you are TTC. You get your AF (period), you wish it away and want to zoom along to ovulation, ovulation happens and you are wishing the two week wait to fly past, you get a BFN (or many) and so you wish your AF would hurry up and arrive. That is exactly what I am doing now, wishing that AF would arrive. I got a BFN two days ago, I am now on cycle day thirty-four and I am still waiting, waiting, waiting. I don't even feel like it will arrive any time soon, could be wrong though, stranger things have happened.
There are two other things bothering me today. The first is a frustration at grief being a competition, why is that? I mean I am as guilty as the next person of feeling sad and spreading my woe is me parade, but I would never dismiss someones elses pain or try to out do them on the grief/pain o'meter. Who wants to feel pain? Who wants their pain to be greater than another? Can we not simply understand that my own pain, is MY greatest pain and therefore I have nothing to compare it to, and the same goes for everyone else? One day we might experiece a greater pain and realise that actually the pain we carry at the moment wasn't as bad as it once felt, but until that day we should be allowed to wallow, allowed to grieve and carry what ever pain we have but not belittle others.
The main thing bothering me and the reason I came to write though is my frustrations at not knowing what I want to do with my life, I guess the fact that my youngest earth baby is off to school full-time come September is making me analyse where my life is at and where I want it to be.
Where it is at? I have always been a full-time Mummy from eighteen, I adore my babies and I love being a stay at home Mum, I am so glad I had this time with them.
Where I want it to be? This is where my frustrations begin, because I just don't know. How silly is that? Twenty-six, almost twenty-seven *cough* and I have not figured out something that we are suppose to know when leaving school, which for me was over ten years ago. Not a clue. I drifted toward midwifery at one point, but I think that is mainly because it is what I feel I should be doing, as I want to make a difference to women who are going through and have gone through similar things to what I have with Honey and Riley Rae, as well as my miscarriages. So then it seemed counselling was the obvious option, like bereavement midwifery without all the yuck but again is it something that I am passionate enough to work hard for over the next how ever many years, and then spend forty years doing it? If there is one single thing Honey and Riley Rae have taught me, it is that life is too short to do something that you don't love, that you are not passionate about. I need to find something I am that passionate about, that I love. The only immediate thing, aside from family, that springs to mind that I love is writing. But how? What? And am I good enough? Lots of things to ponder I guess, but not much time to do it in.
Reading this blog back, I have learnt two things. One - I seem to like writing things in three's; Me, me, me. Moan, moan, moan. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And two - maybe AF is closer than I thought, the moaning side of the hormones certainly seems to be there.
Friday, 20 April 2012
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
BFN........again.
Or BIG FAT NEGATIVE for those of you who have never used TTC (trying to conceive) forums. In other words I am not pregnant, again. Cycle day thirty-two and so it means I am now just waiting for my period to arrive. I don't understand how something that use to be so easy for me, getting pregnant and staying pregnant, has suddenly become so difficult that it is now three years and eight months since we began trying for a baby and yet we still don't have our take home, forever baby, we don't even have a sticky pregnancy.
It is tough emotionally, this trying to conceive business but not nearly as tough as not trying to conceive would be for me. I hear a lot that I am wrong for carrying on, that I am selfish, that I should have a break, that I must be pushing Matt into this but people that usually say these things have no clue, it is no good saying 'I would do this or I would do that' when truth be known you they don't have a clue. Nor do I ever want them to. So I do what is right for me, right for Matt, right for us. And I simply won't dignify people's assumptions or demands with an answer any more. Any how, I think I am going to go to my GP's and ask for blood tests to make sure I am ovulating and check all my levels, as well as asking to go back to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at Queen Charlotte's. I felt less of just a number there, and after all we have been through, I deserved to feel cared for.
What else can I tell you? We just had Riley Rae's first birthday on Sunday, the lead up was really difficult but the day was gentle. I surprised myself with how strong I am, ironic given the amount of times I have told people off for calling me strong. We have Honey's fifth birthday in just under a month and usually I would be dreading it, but I think I have got through two of my girls first birthday's without them to celebrate it, I am pretty sure I can get through anything now.
Naomi-Mae had to go to school dressed as a super hero today, as that is this term's topic. Pretty cool isn't it? Not sure we ever did superhero's, much more likely to be tudors in my day. Now I really do sound old. Haha. Worse still, I sound like my Mum. Uh oh. She looked incredibly cute, dressed in white leggings, a white top, pink knickers over the leggings, and a spotted cape. Both the top and knickers had SG on them, as she was super girl.
Morgan went to the Science Museum yesterday with the school, so just keeps talking about that and going on the launch pad. He loved it, as I said before he adores learning.
And Kaysie Blossom has just discovered she got into 'Strawberry School', she refuses to call her school by it's real name. I am not quite sure why that surprises me, considering she cried because the email said that she was called Kaysie instead of the 'Rainbow' she is sure is her real name. So we are in for a fun twelve weeks, because in that time I need to persuade her to use her real name, the school real name and break it to her that no matter how much she demands the school are not going to change the colour of the school uniform to yellow just because it is her favourite.
Must go as my little diva, scrub that I mean 'Rainbow' is calling me.
It is tough emotionally, this trying to conceive business but not nearly as tough as not trying to conceive would be for me. I hear a lot that I am wrong for carrying on, that I am selfish, that I should have a break, that I must be pushing Matt into this but people that usually say these things have no clue, it is no good saying 'I would do this or I would do that' when truth be known you they don't have a clue. Nor do I ever want them to. So I do what is right for me, right for Matt, right for us. And I simply won't dignify people's assumptions or demands with an answer any more. Any how, I think I am going to go to my GP's and ask for blood tests to make sure I am ovulating and check all my levels, as well as asking to go back to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at Queen Charlotte's. I felt less of just a number there, and after all we have been through, I deserved to feel cared for.
What else can I tell you? We just had Riley Rae's first birthday on Sunday, the lead up was really difficult but the day was gentle. I surprised myself with how strong I am, ironic given the amount of times I have told people off for calling me strong. We have Honey's fifth birthday in just under a month and usually I would be dreading it, but I think I have got through two of my girls first birthday's without them to celebrate it, I am pretty sure I can get through anything now.
Naomi-Mae had to go to school dressed as a super hero today, as that is this term's topic. Pretty cool isn't it? Not sure we ever did superhero's, much more likely to be tudors in my day. Now I really do sound old. Haha. Worse still, I sound like my Mum. Uh oh. She looked incredibly cute, dressed in white leggings, a white top, pink knickers over the leggings, and a spotted cape. Both the top and knickers had SG on them, as she was super girl.
Morgan went to the Science Museum yesterday with the school, so just keeps talking about that and going on the launch pad. He loved it, as I said before he adores learning.
And Kaysie Blossom has just discovered she got into 'Strawberry School', she refuses to call her school by it's real name. I am not quite sure why that surprises me, considering she cried because the email said that she was called Kaysie instead of the 'Rainbow' she is sure is her real name. So we are in for a fun twelve weeks, because in that time I need to persuade her to use her real name, the school real name and break it to her that no matter how much she demands the school are not going to change the colour of the school uniform to yellow just because it is her favourite.
Must go as my little diva, scrub that I mean 'Rainbow' is calling me.
Me, me, me
Soooo, where do I begin? How do I make sure that I bother to blog more than I did the last one (a total of two blogs since August last year)? I am pretty sure the fact that I feel so alone will help that, it is almost as if I am the only one going through these exact things so I thought I would try and reach out to others who perhaps are sitting somewhere thinking the exact same thoughts I am.
I am Tasha, I am twenty-six years old. Goodness I hate writing that, it sounds so...... well, old. Myself and my family live in London, England. Which brings me nicely to them, I am married to Matt, he is even older than I am, ancient in fact. Twenty-nine. Last year in his twenties. Haha. We have been married eight years this year and we have been pregnant fiveteen times. Only three of my babies are here in my arms though. I guess the easiest way to do this is start from my first pregnancy, until now (if you want to skip this I dont blame you, just go to the next blog as that is where the recent stuff comes in).
Pregnancy one - Morgan he is seven, eight at the end of April. Getting pregnant with him wasnt exactly planned but I have never regretted that we did, not even for a split second. Our pregnancy was fairly easy until pre-eclampsia struck and it made me very poorly. We were induced at thirty-six weeks, and Morgan was born screaming weighing 7lb 5. Becoming a Mummy was amazing, it is just what I am meant to do. Morgan has recently been diagnosed with a social communication disorder, ADD and dyspraxia. People assume that this makes him fit into a box, but that isn't true, it is a tiny part of him and does not define who he is. And who is Morgan? To me he is an intelligent little boy, who soaks up new information and loves it, his favourite books are encyclopedias and anything that he can learn from. He is so funny, and cheeky. But most of all he is the sweetest child, he says that when he grows up he is not going to have his 'own children', he is going to the Orphanarium (don't ask) to adopt some children who dont have parents.
Pregnancy two - Naomi-Mae. Getting pregnant with Naomi-Mae was easy, no problems. Again an easy pregnany until pre-eclampsia struck at twenty-four weeks, that was controlled by medication until I went for induction at 37 weeks. Naomi-Mae was born screaming weighing 7lb 14. She is now a shy, sensitive six year old girl. She loves arts and crafts, she will spend hours drawing, colouring, making and also loves writing.
Pregnancy three - Honey. For a third pregnancy I did not find out I was pregnant until very late, well for any pregnancy really. Over twenty-two weeks, and even then it was due to an x-ray. People are always really shocked to hear that, they ask how can you not know? Easy really, I didnt have periods, I didnt put on any weight, I had an anterior placenta (placenta at the front of the womb acting like a cushion) which meant I didnt feel any kicks at all until about twenty-five weeks. This pregnancy was not so easy, at twenty-six weeks and six days my waters broke. It was a massive gush, so no denying it. I went to the hospital, where they put a white swab in me, it came out black, I freaked out and wondered why my insides were black. It turned out it was a swab that changed colour if your waters had broke. So that was it confirmed; my waters had broken. Two days later induction started because I had an infection, and then forty-eight hours after that they stopped the induction because it wasnt working. I was sent home a week later. At thirty-six weeks and six days, Honey was stillborn. She weighed 5lb 11 and was perfection. The post-mortem said that my waters being broken for eight weeks compromised the placenta and Honey. The placenta was fifty percent clots and a ten percent abruption, Honey was growth restricted, also both her lungs and kidneys hadn't grown in the eight weeks. Leaving hospital with empty arms and a broken heart was one of the two worst days of my life. She was buried exactly two weeks later, with my sister who died as a baby.
Pregnancy four - Kaysie Blossom. Kaysie Blossom was conceived very quickly after Honey was born, the longing, the aching, the very real NEED for a baby to hold was so strong. It was an eventful pregnancy that ended in an induction at thirty-nine weeks, and that resulted in an emergency c-section due to her distress, just three hundred and sixty-one days after her big sister was born sleeping. For a few minutes after there was nothing but silence in the theatre, even I was holding my breath, but then came her scream which brought my tears. Kaysie Blossom was born weighing 6lb 13. She is now a crazy, funny, strong-willed and determined three, almost four year old.
Pregnancy five to eleven - first trimester miscarriages. Between August 2008 and September 2010 I had seven miscarriages, each time a little part of me was taken, a little bit of my heart but also a little part of me as a women. I was feeling more and more like a failure. Miscarrige number seven I was under the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit (RMU) at Queen Charlotte's and Chelsea Hospital (QC&CH), I was given medication but it didn't work. I had a missed miscarriage and waited from July until the end of September to miscarry. It was an awful time.
Pregnancy twelve - Riley Rae. I got pregnanct again in November 2010, and I was relieved when I reached twelve weeks, for the first time since Kaysie Blossom, in January 2011. But I knew for me it wasnt as simple as a 'safe time'. I was now high risk for loss in all trimesters. I had lots of care, with my history it was vital, at twenty-one weeks I had my anomaly scan and my little girl was very small, below the fifth centile (between the tenth and ninetieth is considered normal), I panicked - with my history this wasn't good. The next day it was agreed I would have a growth scan at 24+1 on the 13th April, I was still scared so booked a private scan for the 3rd April. That day came, and it was then that it seemed obvious that I wouldn't be bringing a baby home with me, again. The scan showed she was now below the first centile (this mean all the babies in one-hundred would be bigger than her), there were signs of placental problems and brain sparing (if you are suffering from a lack of oxygen then the body will send oxygen to the brain first in order to survive, this shows up because the lack of oxygen has an affect on other organs). Ten days it was growth scan time, I was convinced my baby had died and as much as I tried to shake off that feeling I couldn't. Just before 3pm my worst nightmare became true, again. My baby had died. On the 15th April 2011, Riley Rae was born sleeping a tiny but perfect little girl weighing just 340 grams. Her placenta was sixty percent clots and a ten percent abruption. One month and four days later she was buried with her big sister.
Pregnancy thirteen to fifthteen - first trimester miscarriages. June 2011, 2nd December 2011 and 28th January 2012. Three more pregnancies and four more tiny angels, as the January miscarriage was a twin pregnancy.
I will stop boring you with my history now, and write about there here and now in a new post.
I am Tasha, I am twenty-six years old. Goodness I hate writing that, it sounds so...... well, old. Myself and my family live in London, England. Which brings me nicely to them, I am married to Matt, he is even older than I am, ancient in fact. Twenty-nine. Last year in his twenties. Haha. We have been married eight years this year and we have been pregnant fiveteen times. Only three of my babies are here in my arms though. I guess the easiest way to do this is start from my first pregnancy, until now (if you want to skip this I dont blame you, just go to the next blog as that is where the recent stuff comes in).
Pregnancy one - Morgan he is seven, eight at the end of April. Getting pregnant with him wasnt exactly planned but I have never regretted that we did, not even for a split second. Our pregnancy was fairly easy until pre-eclampsia struck and it made me very poorly. We were induced at thirty-six weeks, and Morgan was born screaming weighing 7lb 5. Becoming a Mummy was amazing, it is just what I am meant to do. Morgan has recently been diagnosed with a social communication disorder, ADD and dyspraxia. People assume that this makes him fit into a box, but that isn't true, it is a tiny part of him and does not define who he is. And who is Morgan? To me he is an intelligent little boy, who soaks up new information and loves it, his favourite books are encyclopedias and anything that he can learn from. He is so funny, and cheeky. But most of all he is the sweetest child, he says that when he grows up he is not going to have his 'own children', he is going to the Orphanarium (don't ask) to adopt some children who dont have parents.
Pregnancy two - Naomi-Mae. Getting pregnant with Naomi-Mae was easy, no problems. Again an easy pregnany until pre-eclampsia struck at twenty-four weeks, that was controlled by medication until I went for induction at 37 weeks. Naomi-Mae was born screaming weighing 7lb 14. She is now a shy, sensitive six year old girl. She loves arts and crafts, she will spend hours drawing, colouring, making and also loves writing.
Pregnancy three - Honey. For a third pregnancy I did not find out I was pregnant until very late, well for any pregnancy really. Over twenty-two weeks, and even then it was due to an x-ray. People are always really shocked to hear that, they ask how can you not know? Easy really, I didnt have periods, I didnt put on any weight, I had an anterior placenta (placenta at the front of the womb acting like a cushion) which meant I didnt feel any kicks at all until about twenty-five weeks. This pregnancy was not so easy, at twenty-six weeks and six days my waters broke. It was a massive gush, so no denying it. I went to the hospital, where they put a white swab in me, it came out black, I freaked out and wondered why my insides were black. It turned out it was a swab that changed colour if your waters had broke. So that was it confirmed; my waters had broken. Two days later induction started because I had an infection, and then forty-eight hours after that they stopped the induction because it wasnt working. I was sent home a week later. At thirty-six weeks and six days, Honey was stillborn. She weighed 5lb 11 and was perfection. The post-mortem said that my waters being broken for eight weeks compromised the placenta and Honey. The placenta was fifty percent clots and a ten percent abruption, Honey was growth restricted, also both her lungs and kidneys hadn't grown in the eight weeks. Leaving hospital with empty arms and a broken heart was one of the two worst days of my life. She was buried exactly two weeks later, with my sister who died as a baby.
Pregnancy four - Kaysie Blossom. Kaysie Blossom was conceived very quickly after Honey was born, the longing, the aching, the very real NEED for a baby to hold was so strong. It was an eventful pregnancy that ended in an induction at thirty-nine weeks, and that resulted in an emergency c-section due to her distress, just three hundred and sixty-one days after her big sister was born sleeping. For a few minutes after there was nothing but silence in the theatre, even I was holding my breath, but then came her scream which brought my tears. Kaysie Blossom was born weighing 6lb 13. She is now a crazy, funny, strong-willed and determined three, almost four year old.
Pregnancy five to eleven - first trimester miscarriages. Between August 2008 and September 2010 I had seven miscarriages, each time a little part of me was taken, a little bit of my heart but also a little part of me as a women. I was feeling more and more like a failure. Miscarrige number seven I was under the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit (RMU) at Queen Charlotte's and Chelsea Hospital (QC&CH), I was given medication but it didn't work. I had a missed miscarriage and waited from July until the end of September to miscarry. It was an awful time.
Pregnancy twelve - Riley Rae. I got pregnanct again in November 2010, and I was relieved when I reached twelve weeks, for the first time since Kaysie Blossom, in January 2011. But I knew for me it wasnt as simple as a 'safe time'. I was now high risk for loss in all trimesters. I had lots of care, with my history it was vital, at twenty-one weeks I had my anomaly scan and my little girl was very small, below the fifth centile (between the tenth and ninetieth is considered normal), I panicked - with my history this wasn't good. The next day it was agreed I would have a growth scan at 24+1 on the 13th April, I was still scared so booked a private scan for the 3rd April. That day came, and it was then that it seemed obvious that I wouldn't be bringing a baby home with me, again. The scan showed she was now below the first centile (this mean all the babies in one-hundred would be bigger than her), there were signs of placental problems and brain sparing (if you are suffering from a lack of oxygen then the body will send oxygen to the brain first in order to survive, this shows up because the lack of oxygen has an affect on other organs). Ten days it was growth scan time, I was convinced my baby had died and as much as I tried to shake off that feeling I couldn't. Just before 3pm my worst nightmare became true, again. My baby had died. On the 15th April 2011, Riley Rae was born sleeping a tiny but perfect little girl weighing just 340 grams. Her placenta was sixty percent clots and a ten percent abruption. One month and four days later she was buried with her big sister.
Pregnancy thirteen to fifthteen - first trimester miscarriages. June 2011, 2nd December 2011 and 28th January 2012. Three more pregnancies and four more tiny angels, as the January miscarriage was a twin pregnancy.
I will stop boring you with my history now, and write about there here and now in a new post.
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