Me, me, me

Soooo, where do I begin? How do I make sure that I bother to blog more than I did the last one (a total of two blogs since August last year)? I am pretty sure the fact that I feel so alone will help that, it is almost as if I am the only one going through these exact things so I thought I would try and reach out to others who perhaps are sitting somewhere thinking the exact same thoughts I am.
I am Tasha, I am twenty-six years old. Goodness I hate writing that, it sounds so...... well, old. Myself and my family live in London, England. Which brings me nicely to them, I am married to Matt, he is even older than I am,  ancient in fact. Twenty-nine. Last year in his twenties. Haha. We have been married eight years this year and we have been pregnant fiveteen times.  Only three of my babies are here in my arms though. I guess the easiest way to do this is start from  my first pregnancy, until now (if you want to skip this I dont blame you, just go to the next blog as that is where the recent stuff comes in).

Pregnancy one - Morgan he is seven, eight at the end of April. Getting pregnant with him wasnt exactly planned but I have never regretted that we did, not even for a split second. Our pregnancy was fairly easy until pre-eclampsia struck and it made me very poorly. We were induced at thirty-six weeks, and Morgan was born screaming weighing 7lb 5. Becoming a Mummy was amazing, it is just what I am meant to do. Morgan has recently been diagnosed with a social communication disorder, ADD and dyspraxia. People assume that this makes him fit into a box, but that isn't true, it is a tiny part of him and does not define who he is. And who is Morgan? To me he is an intelligent little boy, who soaks up new information and loves it, his favourite books are encyclopedias and anything that he can learn from. He is so funny, and cheeky. But most of all he is the sweetest child, he says that when he grows up he is not going to have his 'own children', he is going to the Orphanarium (don't ask) to adopt some children who dont have parents.

Pregnancy two - Naomi-Mae. Getting pregnant with Naomi-Mae was easy, no problems. Again an easy pregnany until pre-eclampsia struck at twenty-four weeks, that was controlled by medication until I went for induction at 37 weeks. Naomi-Mae was born screaming weighing 7lb 14. She is now a shy, sensitive six year old girl. She loves arts and crafts, she will spend hours drawing, colouring, making and also loves writing.

Pregnancy three - Honey. For a third pregnancy I did not find out I was pregnant until very late, well for any pregnancy really. Over twenty-two weeks, and even then it was due to an x-ray. People are always really shocked to hear that, they ask how can you not know? Easy really, I didnt have periods, I didnt put on any weight, I had an anterior placenta (placenta at the front of the womb acting like a cushion) which meant I didnt feel any kicks at all until about twenty-five weeks. This pregnancy was not so easy, at twenty-six weeks and six days my waters broke. It was a massive gush, so no denying it. I went to the hospital, where they put a white swab in me, it came out black, I freaked out and wondered why my insides were black. It turned out it was a swab that changed colour if your waters had broke. So that was it confirmed; my waters had broken. Two days later induction started because I had an infection, and then forty-eight hours after that they stopped the induction because it wasnt working. I was sent home a week later. At thirty-six weeks and six days, Honey was stillborn. She weighed 5lb 11 and was perfection. The post-mortem said that my waters being broken for eight weeks compromised the placenta and Honey. The placenta was fifty percent clots and a ten percent abruption, Honey was growth restricted, also both her lungs and kidneys hadn't grown in the eight weeks. Leaving hospital with empty arms and a broken heart was one of the two worst days of my life. She was buried exactly two weeks later, with my sister who died as a baby.

Pregnancy four - Kaysie Blossom. Kaysie Blossom was conceived very quickly after Honey was born, the longing, the aching, the very real NEED for a baby to hold was so strong. It was an eventful pregnancy that ended in an induction at thirty-nine weeks, and that resulted in an emergency c-section due to her distress, just three hundred and sixty-one days after her big sister was born sleeping. For a few minutes after there was nothing but silence in the theatre, even I was holding my breath, but then came her scream which brought my tears. Kaysie Blossom was born weighing 6lb 13. She is now a crazy, funny, strong-willed and determined three, almost four year old.

Pregnancy five to eleven - first trimester miscarriages. Between August 2008 and September 2010 I had seven miscarriages, each time a little part of me was taken, a little bit of my heart but also a little part of me as a women. I was feeling more and more like a failure. Miscarrige number seven I was under the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit (RMU) at Queen Charlotte's and Chelsea Hospital (QC&CH), I was given medication but it didn't work. I had a missed miscarriage and waited from July until the end of September to miscarry. It was an awful time.

Pregnancy twelve - Riley Rae. I got pregnanct again in November 2010, and I was relieved when I reached twelve weeks, for the first time since Kaysie Blossom, in January 2011. But I knew for me it wasnt as simple as a 'safe time'. I was now high risk for loss in all trimesters. I had lots of care, with my history it was vital, at twenty-one weeks I had my anomaly scan and my little girl was very small, below the fifth centile (between the tenth and ninetieth is considered normal), I panicked - with my history this wasn't good. The next day it was agreed I would have a growth scan at 24+1 on the 13th April, I was still scared so booked a private scan for the 3rd April. That day came, and it was then that it seemed obvious that I wouldn't be bringing a baby home with me, again. The scan showed she was now below the first centile (this mean all the babies in one-hundred would be bigger than her), there were signs of placental problems and brain sparing (if you are suffering from a lack of oxygen then the body will send oxygen to the brain first in order to survive, this shows up because the lack of oxygen has an affect on other organs). Ten days it was growth scan time, I was convinced my baby had died and as much as I tried to shake off that feeling I couldn't. Just before 3pm my worst nightmare became true, again. My baby had died. On the 15th April 2011, Riley Rae was born sleeping a tiny but perfect little girl weighing just 340 grams. Her placenta was sixty percent clots and a ten percent abruption. One month and four days later she was buried with her big sister.

Pregnancy thirteen to fifthteen - first trimester miscarriages. June 2011, 2nd December 2011 and 28th January 2012. Three more pregnancies and four more tiny angels, as the January miscarriage was a twin pregnancy.

I will stop boring you with my history now, and write about there here and now in a new post.